How can I do better in this class?

There are lots of variations to this question, but typically the querry is heard during the last week of class from a failing or near-failing student. It is the last, and all-too-often the first, desperate attempt to demonstrate to the instructor a level of effort to merit a decent grade.* This is usually a fairly transparent plea for mercy with the plaintive hope that the demonstration of interest will garner clemency or at least an "edge" (hints/answers for exam, compassion for the sad story, a "deal" to allow for a grade upgrade, etc.). Sometimes it is more tragic in that they've been in the deep end of the pool for too long, and there are now no preservers to get them back to the edge. Yet we still go through the charade, going over material, outlining preparation methods, suggesting to the point of clubbing them over the head as to how to perform better, knowing all the while that most won't hear any of this as their visit is simply seeking papal dispensation. I wonder if they know what we're thinking during "the dance," which is that the only way to do markedly better in the class at this point is to book a trip to Lourdes.

* A somewhat related but more curious phenomenon is the student who has been AWOL for most of the semester who then suddenly shows up at the end, but rather than visit you to try to emotionally manipulate you with their particular tale of woe, they assiduously attend to the last few classes and assignments, apparently oblivious to the fact that there is no chance to pass the class without a reprieve from the governor. I actually have a strange respect- and pity, perhaps- for the honorable stoicism of this Polyannic futility.