Hugs

There's not enough good huggin' happening, which is kind of surprising since there's so much hugging going on.  Even more surprising is that it's the between-gender hugging that's the problem.  Women hug each other with no self-consciousness whatsoever and everything seems natural and fine.  Men hug each other with total self-consciousness and are perfectly  fine with the awkward cross-armed back slap, secure in the knowledge that awkward is perfectly fine, if not desirable, between men.  But it's the between-gender hug that is the problem.

A hug has three major components:  tightness, duration, and location, which are constrained by the perceived relationship between huggers, the situation, and the attitudes towards hugging. As this is just a blog and the topic one in which interest may wane in proportion with length, though capable of lengthy treatise, the treatment will be mercifully brief.

Tightness is generally not a problem, as most people can gauge the degree of mutual affection relatively accurately, the exception being the young, flirtatious, or lecherous.  Duration is only slightly more problematic and occurs when there is an imbalanced assessment of the closeness of the relationship, a lack of understanding of the social situation, or differing attitudes about hugging in general.  However, it is the hug type that is the real problem.

So while most can successfully navigate the appropriate grasp and duration of a hug, are aware of the social situation, and share similar perceptions about the relationship and attitudes about hugging, the most difficult dynamics may the for the hugs exchanged between the genders.  I don't think that most people have trouble with relatives, as we've been hugging parents and siblings for most of our lives and pretty much have it down.  It's hugging friends and those that are more than friends that's the problem for many.  One of the most difficult hugs is the spouse/significant other of a friend, or the friendly-but-not-too-friendly situation.  Maybe there is some jealousy potential, but it's really a matter of balancing the respect for the friend and his/her relationship while showing welcoming, acceptance, and platonic affection for the spouse, and vice-versa if you're the spouse.  But like a first kiss when dating, once you've done it, it becomes easy and comfortable.  Like most situational hugs, they are learning experiences and quickly solved, if not mastered.  But what about those who just don't know how to hug appropriately?

The tendency is to think of "overhuggers" (too much grasping) as the prime offenders, which is probably true, but there are a lot of "underhuggers" (backsides pushed too far back requiring too much lean in) out there as well.  To understand each of those, we have to understand the proper hug between the genders.  Of course, an improper hug is any hug that communicates something other than what is intended or appropriate, with the closeness (location) of the hug the primary offender.  In general, the closer the relationship, the closer the hug, situation permitting.  This refers primarily to the southernmost point of contact as well as arm/hand positions.  For friends and spouses of friends, shoulders are fine, with elbows at the sides, and hands up high towards the back and sides of shoulders, with perhaps a one-armed light pat across the back.  For close friends and relatives, chests may touch lightly, with hands meeting or patting at the middle or upper back. For spouses and significant others, navels may touch, chests touch more tightly, and arms may wrap around with hands as low as the waist, with some pulling towards each other.  It is not appropriate in public to press pelvises together or have hands below the waist.

As an aside, there are some promiscuous huggers out there, who will hug people they barely know.  I guess if they meet another serial hugger it's OK, but for the rest of us, hands off- you've got to earn that hug.