Don't ask, don't tell

Nope, it's not that ("Not that there's anything wrong with that," as a memorable Seinfeld quote would assert). Rather, this is about "communication," and how overrated and overdone it is.

I have read somewhere that the average couple talks for two minutes a day. I used to think that outrageous, but 16 years of marriage has tempered that indignation. For most, just as the marital bed grows larger with time, the conversation grows smaller. Look at older couples in a restaurant, stoically and silently consuming their meals. And why not? It's all been said, and what's left is rehash or fluff (or perhaps enmity). When you're dating, your heart quickens at the sound of her voice and you want to know everything about her. Later, your heart quickens still, but it's more of a "fight-or-flight" thing.

Yes, communication is a good thing, but after a while a little goes a long way. Phrases like, "Do you have a minute?" [It won't be a minute] and "We need to talk" [You mean I need to listen] are signals of impending doom. But beyond this "communication" which can only conclude with "I'm glad we worked this out" [You got your way, I got nothing], most communication beyond the mandatory two minutes of the transfer of data is more of a courtesy, the "How was your day" pleasantry to express that there is some level of caring. OK, that's all good. But being together does not require the expression of every thought in your head, feeling in your heart, and the need to bare your soul on a seemingly daily basis. Too much conversation is really a selfish act, exactly opposite of how it is billed. And placing implicit (and sometimes explicit) pressure to reciprocate with similar conversational bulimia is similarly selfish and needy. Let the game come to you. Just be comfortable being with the other person; every moment need not be filled with sound, as empty moments may not be empty.

While looking for a picture for this blog I came across the following from How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It:

You'll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women's sexuality: you can't be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do, but not if they have to act like a woman.

Well, I don't know if those things necessarily make sense, but there does seem to be something there. Sometimes a heart-to-heart is good, but in general, keep it light and fun, or keep it quiet.