Remorse sleeps during prosperity ...

... but awakes bitter consciousness during adversity.
Jean Jacques Rousseau


Why is it that the only sinners that find God are the ones that get caught?

A modern love potion

I am about to share with you perhaps the most powerful dating technique ever devised. Do this, and she will be yours, and may God have pity on your soul.

No woman can resist the adult Easter Basket, carefully considered and crafted to her individual interests. Start with one of those girl baskets; don't use one of those cheap Wal-Mart baskets you'd give to a kid. Go to Pier-1 or other craftsy store you hate but she loves and get a basket that will have some value after the holiday, perhaps for display, for instance. Examples include a grapevine basket, a Nantucket-type woven basket, an antique picnic basket, etc. If practical, laboriously interweaving dried flowers (not plastic!) along the rim and maybe the handle, if applicable, is a nice touch.

For the contents, start with the basics. A nice bottle of wine, a cute stuffed animal, a book, a romantic card (NEVER get a joke card), maybe some perfume, and pretentious chocolates (you know, Godiva or some other over-rated brand) and truffles are good for starters. You should know her tastes and what's appropriate here, but if you don't, stay with the safe choices.

Now you begin the individual tailoring. This is where you go beyond just being sensitive and romantic and demonstrate that you've listened, understand, and care. Big points here. This requires imagination and creativity, as well as some familiarity with her life and interests. As it is probably still relatively early in the relationship, odds are you're still listening to her so you may actually know things about her. The important point is that these items are individual to her needs and interests and perhaps out of the ordinary. Tickets to a show, a new rear view mirror to replace the broken one in her car, a pendant with her birthstone, a CD of her favorite music, a flash drive for her work, items for the garden, or any of a million things that tell her you noticed. Stay away from lingerie or anything related to sex. Similarly, avoid anything that smacks of self-improvement.

Now if there's any room left, fill with traditional but upgraded traditional Easter items. Gourmet jelly beans, "peeps" if she's one of those, a single rose, and fun little stuff. This elaborate basket might run a couple of hundred dollars, though you could spend a lot less or a lot more, but the result is inestimably powerful. But you must be certain that you can control that power, as there are inevitable repercussions.

Most women have an "up or out" mentality regarding relationships, and you have just taken the relationship way up. Are you prepared for the expectation of a long-term relationship with the possibility of marriage? Also, next year she will be expecting another fantastic romantic Easter basket; will you be up to it? The adult Easter basket is nothing less than a modern love potion, and as the cliche says, be careful what you wish for.

Are you going to Heaven?

The following is from BibleHelp.org:

"Summary

The rate in which a light flashes on top of an emergency vehicle is the average rate that people are dying and going to hell.

"If you were to ask, 'How many people die on an average day,' you would get a wide variety of answers. Typical answers would range around 300 to 5,000 people. Surprisingly, over 150,000 people die every day. On average, 1.8 people die every second.

"What is the spiritual destiny of these people? Obviously, no one really knows for certain how many people are going to Heaven and Hell. We can, however, come up with a ballpark estimate. There are many comprehensive studies that break the world's population down by religion. If you compare these belief systems with the Bible, you'll have a basic idea as to how many people believe in the Biblical plan of salvation.

"Based on these studies, it has been estimated that only 7% of the world's population is going to Heaven (1.68 per second). Even if this research is wrong and 75% of the world is going to Heaven; we still have 38,000 people going to Hell every day."

Well, you can't dispute facts like that; there's math and everything! Yes, the numbers don't add up here, but does it really matter? The point is, you won't be needing a heavy jacket.

For another perspective, check out a Wikitravel April Fool joke entry on Hell.

Bush Vetoes Ban on Torture

No, seriously; 300 million people and this is what we got?

Broccoli stems are edible!

I live amongst a tribe of hedonists, the self-absorbed who cannot see a micron beyond their appetites. All many know or care about is what they want, and for them the ethical world may be easily dichotomized into "helps me" (good), "does not help me" (not good). This sounds a bit like the canine "edible/inedible" perspective of the world, but the big difference is that our furry friends are extremely flexible on the former. While I have mentioned this maddening perspective in a number of contexts and doubtlessly will continue to whine about others, the focus today is on food.

You know these irritating prima-donnas, likely raised with crustless sandwiches, unconscious about sending seemingly any minor culinary transgression back to the kitchen, and refusing to eat any parts that are not the optimal parts. In my house, that makes me the designated leftover consumer, and it is also my responsibility to consume the last 20% or so (if not all) of any sub-optimal food. At this time, and I wish this were hyperbole, there are three open jars of peanut butter, 5 unfinished loaves of bread, and three open tubs of margarine, for instance. It is often difficult to find pans, which are often hidden in the back of the refrigerator until they come walking out themselves. Most fruit is only rented, and how many cylinders of ice cream do we need with holes perfectly bored in the center so that none of the side-touching contaminated product is disturbed? I'm just warming up, but I think you get the point.

How can such unabashedly selfish wastefulness be justified? Oh, let me guess, you deserve the best, right? Whether to impress your friends, reward yourself for the arduous travails you face, or just "because you can;" you must be very special. Listen up, princess (or prince), we're all special, and since we're all special, nobody is special. There really are people starving in China, and Chad (know where that one is, Sunshine?), and America.

Now if you don't want to kick in a few bucks or a little time once in a while to help a cause- any cause beyond your personal needs- that's your business. But you do not have to be the wolf thinning out the deer herd, OK? Conserve a few resources. When the next piece of cake is a corner, you eat that one and don't skip to a better piece (You know who you are). A chip touches the tartar sauce, eat it anyway. And for the love of god, eat the darn pizza crust!