Lyin' Stinkin' Weasels

Got this from Chase.  I don't think I even have a card from Chase, but I could be wrong, as I've been "slammed" (signed up for things I didn't sign up for) before, like that time I specifically told the lady at Macy's that I did not want their credit card but it showed up in the mail anyway.  So I don't use a Chase card, don't want a Chase card, and don't know of having a Chase account, but got this anyway:

"Currently, our records indicate that you are not being mailed any offers from Chase and we wanted you to know we are continually developing new products and services that may be of interest to you.  We are updating our prospective customers' preferences for receiving these mailings.  We want to be sure that you know about available offers and that you have the opportunity to consider them.

Please completely fill in the ovals below next to the Chase product and service offers you do not want to receive by mail.

And there's a deadline too. So the point is that it's up to me to open the junk mail, actually read through it, notice the trick, take the trouble to fill and send this out by a specified time of their choosing, all to keep them from assigning preferences which I have not indicated to be preferences, and which they'll probably assign anyway and send me an endless stream of sales pitches because they're lyin' stinkin' weasels.

Can this possibly be legal?  It's obviously not moral.  I really have to tell them not to sign me up and if I don't I'll get stuff I have never indicated I wanted?  Maybe that's how I supposedly have a Chase card in the first place.  Wish I could find it so I could tear it up.  But then, are the other banks any better?

Natural hairspray

A "mini-station wagon?"  That really isn't a station wagon at all then, is it?  It's like having a "performance SUV," or a "luxury truck."  Why would anybody buy these automotive oxymorons?

On a short leash

Why aren't there tests to determine if one is fit to be a parent?

The ring of truth

I've heard men say that they can't tell if a ring on a woman's finger is a wedding ring.  Is it really that hard?  If there's a simple band of gold on the left ring finger, leave her alone.  Same for the diamond.  Of course, there are some unmarried women that will place a wedding-type ring on the finger to broadcast or feign unavailability; disingenuous but clear, so again, leave her alone. 

There are those that want to individualize the ring to the extent that the meaning is not clear.  It's gold (white gold, platinum OK, but yellow gold better), it's smooth and plain (to symbolize eternity), and it's on the finger next to the pinkie on the left hand because people used to think that there was a vein there leading directly to the heart.  If you want to do something unique, go ahead with your Celtic Claddagh or jewel encrusted filigree ring or the like, but beyond being confusing for the rest of the world, I suspect that the saying that applies for weddings also applies for rings, i.e., the more elaborate the wedding, the less likely the marriage will last.

I think more latitude should be given to the engagement ring, though.  It's the primary ring for only a short time, and while a single diamond is classy, really anything will deliver the message.  And the truth be told, expensive engagement rings are one of the dumbest ideas in the history of mankind.   Why would anyone spend thousands of dollars on a shiny pebble at a time they can least afford to do so?  Because we have to, because some women need to show off, because we're idiots.  And ostentatious weddings?  Don't get me started...

I imagine the ring thing does get a little complicated for unmarried, unengaged women who for whatever reason are "not in the market," as men are constantly prowling and always looking at the ring finger.  I've thought forever that there should be some sort of color coding, not unlike traffic signals, to indicate availability; maybe something similar with the ring finger would do the trick: 

-Gold band and/or diamond ring: taken.  

-Any other ring:  not available.  

-No ring:  available.  

The trouble sometimes arises with those women that wear a multitude of rings, making the furtive check-the-finger glance burdensome and prone to error.  Also, the wedding ring on the right hand ring finger, rare for the younger set, can complicate matters.  It usually means that the person is a widow/widower, and I think the practice, though melancholy, is touching and respectful.  Don't be intimidated by the practice; that former spouse will always be an important part of his/her life; don't try to take it away.  It has its rightful place, and is no threat to you.  But sometimes the right handed wedding band has other meanings, many of which I'm unaware, I'm sure.  I know that for Eastern Orthodox members and in some parts of Europe the right hand is the norm.  But odds are you're not cruising in the Ukraine.  I've heard that some gay people wear the right hand ring in areas where gay marriage is not permitted. (And by the way, why shouldn't gay people be able to marry?  You're in love, you want to marry, go ahead. What's the big deal?)  Don't know if that's true, but I'm sure there's probably other reasons for the right hand ring too.

These same ring finger principles should apply to men as well.  Wedding ring: taken.  Any ring: not available.  No ring:  available.  I know a  lot of men, including me, don't like to wear rings, but it would simplify matters and is respectful to your spouse.  So I wear mine all the time (occasionally through my nose, I sometimes think). Yes, in some jobs for both men and women, where a ring might get caught in machinery, for instance, a ring can be a hazard, so don't wear it on the job.  Just like one wouldn't wear a diamond ring where the ring is in "danger."  But in general, if you're married, just wear the wedding ring.  It's the right thing to do.

Some final ring-related thoughts:  Tattoo rings are creepy.  Rings on toes are weird (and virtually always unattractive.  There are very few attractive toes in the world, unless you're the Rex Ryan type, so don't go attracting attention to those spindly talons.)  And if you see a tan line where a ring might be, run.