The Silence of the Lambs

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," "Silence is golden," and "Better to be quiet and have people wonder if you are a fool than to speak and let people know that you are." [paraphrasing that last one] The power that is silence. When it is said that nature abhors a vacuum, nowhere better does it apply than with conversation. From the annoying "What's wrong?" to the curious "What are you thinking?" many people are uncomfortable with another's silence (and of course those most annoyed are doomed to be linked to the "strong silent types" who may be naturally quiet or unnaturally passive-aggressive). I have found that in professional situations, for instance, silence is a powerful tool. In lectures, it gives emphasis and pause for thought; in discussion it communicates contemplation, and in negotiation it is power.

But there are other silent people hiding among us. While a refreshing change from the "attention whores," the socially unconscious (that's right, you with the cell phone, you in the theater, you in the third row), and the ubiquitous loud talkers, these quiet ones are not emulating Gary Cooper, but are in fact the meek who hope to inherit the earth. While too many move ahead by relentless self-promotion, too many others have their heads handed to them when they stick their necks out, so too many play it safe, keeping quiet. And this is a pretty successful strategy in its own way, as the rise may be slow, but the fall won't be fast. But is that who you really want to be? To quote one of my absolute favorite lines of poetry (and as it turns out that as an insensitive lout I don't have a lot of favorite lines of poetry), from Thomas Gray's Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard:

"Full many a flower is born to blush unseen.
And waste its sweetness on the desert air."

Irish Lullaby

My little ones still sleep with night lights and are afraid of the dark, as are most little kids, I guess. When I try to tell them that the only difference between a room with light and one without is the light itself, or use empirical arguments like have you or anyone else ever seen any monsters, etc., it makes not the slightest impression on them, as they are quite certain that something is there. Proof is not the issue, as their imaginations are proof enough. And why not? We fill their heads with notions of magic and mystical characters, so why not ghosties and things that go bump in the night? But eventually many of us lose our fear of the dark as we come to know that nothing is there. And then we begin to hope that there is.

My daughter asked me tonight, as she often does, to sing her a lullaby as I finished tucking her in. But tonight she cried, as she said she knew that I would one day be gone and not sing to her "in tones so sweet and low." Soon she will not fear the dark, but now I do.

Don't ask, don't tell

Nope, it's not that ("Not that there's anything wrong with that," as a memorable Seinfeld quote would assert). Rather, this is about "communication," and how overrated and overdone it is.

I have read somewhere that the average couple talks for two minutes a day. I used to think that outrageous, but 16 years of marriage has tempered that indignation. For most, just as the marital bed grows larger with time, the conversation grows smaller. Look at older couples in a restaurant, stoically and silently consuming their meals. And why not? It's all been said, and what's left is rehash or fluff (or perhaps enmity). When you're dating, your heart quickens at the sound of her voice and you want to know everything about her. Later, your heart quickens still, but it's more of a "fight-or-flight" thing.

Yes, communication is a good thing, but after a while a little goes a long way. Phrases like, "Do you have a minute?" [It won't be a minute] and "We need to talk" [You mean I need to listen] are signals of impending doom. But beyond this "communication" which can only conclude with "I'm glad we worked this out" [You got your way, I got nothing], most communication beyond the mandatory two minutes of the transfer of data is more of a courtesy, the "How was your day" pleasantry to express that there is some level of caring. OK, that's all good. But being together does not require the expression of every thought in your head, feeling in your heart, and the need to bare your soul on a seemingly daily basis. Too much conversation is really a selfish act, exactly opposite of how it is billed. And placing implicit (and sometimes explicit) pressure to reciprocate with similar conversational bulimia is similarly selfish and needy. Let the game come to you. Just be comfortable being with the other person; every moment need not be filled with sound, as empty moments may not be empty.

While looking for a picture for this blog I came across the following from How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It:

You'll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women's sexuality: you can't be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do, but not if they have to act like a woman.

Well, I don't know if those things necessarily make sense, but there does seem to be something there. Sometimes a heart-to-heart is good, but in general, keep it light and fun, or keep it quiet.

P = F/A

Pressure: You think you do your best work under pressure; you are mistaken. You are more efficient, perhaps (and perhaps not), but it is not your best work. There is nothing wrong with sticking to the steep part of the curve and avoiding those decreasing marginal returns, but understand the trade off, as you will usually receive a grade or two less than you might have with more time. (Oh, if I just had more time! Can I have an extension?) But it is a world of trade-offs. Please understand, though, that your idea of "a lot" of work/time is probably way less than that of the instructor. Asking the instructor questions like "how much detail/time/pages/etc." is futile, as our conception of moderate may be your conception of extreme. Luckily, perhaps, we don't really care how hard you tried or how much time you put into it, as it is the result that matters. However, for the overwhelming majority, many of whom over-estimate their performance under pressure, there is a strong correlation between time and performance. Yes, work smart, not hard, but sometimes it's smart to work hard.