Give and Take

There is an argument to be made that there are no truly altruistic acts, that all giving is done with the expectation of receiving something in return, if only psychological satisfaction of some type. However, I don't think that receiving pleasure from doing good is hardly worthy of criticism. The more interesting cases are those with a "social reciprocity" mentality, where everything is quid pro quo. There is a lot more of this than you might think (and students, your perceived hard work does not obligate the instructor to reciprocate with a good grade).

Christmas cards are a good example, where cards are given to those from whom you've received cards. While it should be simply send a card to those to whom you'd like to extend greetings, it often becomes an exercise in social reciprocity, an obligation rather than a heartfelt act. Did you ever find yourself sending a card only because you got one, and how many times must you not receive a card from someone to cut them off your list? I find kids' parties/events/fundraisers/etc. to be like this, as you basically just go to/give to theirs so that they'll come/give to yours. And did you ever notice that when women converse, especially older ones better schooled in the social graces, that they often wait their turn, in an orderly and remarkable manner, to talk about themselves. There are lots of examples of the "If I do this then you owe me that" mentality, from the cliched and distasteful I-bought-you-dinner-then-you-owe-me... to the more normal I-bought-the-last-round...

This reciprocation phenomenon, a subset of equity and balance theories, is well-documented in psychology, where receiving something from another places a feeling of obligation on one to even the scales. While that seems obvious, what is less so is how many people take this to extremes in keeping score. They may actually record how much you spent on a wedding or Christmas gift, keep track of who paid for lunch, and know precisely who owes who a favor. Their lives are consumed with balancing the scales, and Lord help you if you fail to reciprocate proportionately and have more debits than credits.

Beware the "scorekeepers."