Soothing the savage breast

So I'm listening to one of those free internet radio things, which is pretty good but not great but falls right into my price range. But I'm getting tired of the "dysfunctional holiday" music (a real category, and a pretty good one, at least this time of year) that I've listened to much of the day (except when someone came in for a meeting, so I switched to holiday jazz or smooth jazz or one of those white noise stations- a safer choice). So I'm looking for another music category.

I've been listening to outlaw country (another real category that I actually like) lately- and what's so "outlaw" about these guys getting millions of dollars to sing about the common man, which by the way isn't so common? Time for a change, though, so I try various categories. New age- at first seems pleasant; maybe I can get some work done. What are those snoring sounds? Oh, that's me; better change stations. Then I try traditional blues. Not bad, but after a while I start to have a craving for heroin. OK, "classical hits light"(might not be ready for the straight "classical hits" yet). I like some of that, but it turns out there really aren't too many classical "hits."

Better snap out of it; how about electronic/dance? I've now been listening to "Chill" for about six minutes, and I swear they've been playing the same five notes over and over all this time, with no vocals at all. This is silly, not even suitable for slow dancing (which, by the way, is the only kind men will tolerate, for obvious reasons). Out of curiosity, I'm switching to "Chill non-vocal," wondering how different can it be? Answer: not much, but maybe the undead can discern meaningful differences. What about "trance?" Same five notes, just played a lot faster. Kind of like it though. For about five minutes. What next? There's "disco." Ha! Barely survived it the first time; the nadir of civilization as we know it. (Did anyone that had a picture taken in the 1970s ever look good? I think there was something wrong with the cameras back then.)

Should I be adventurous and try Hip Hop/R&B? Sometimes I can find a few things I like there. After a few tunes it seems like everybody is angry. At me. What are the other categories? Let's see, there's hip hop, hip hop hits, hip hop/R&B, hip hop/R&B hits, 90s hip hop, party hip hop, old school rap, R&B, R&B hits, and it keeps going. That reminds me, I have to renew Sirius for my wife's car before the service that parses the broadcast universe into melodic dust goes out of business. Which brings me to rock. My "I give up" music "safe place." Sigh. There are 16 categories of rock. I try a few. Most of them sound pretty much the same. So I stick with "Party Rock" for a while; pretty good, but the darn thing keeps crashing. I think there's a message there somewhere.

Well, have to get going. I need to buy Christmas ipod knockoffs for my nine and seven year olds.