Finding Waldo

In the previous two posts, i.e., UBU and The Flip Side, the admittedly straw man argument was made to not try too hard to be an individual or to fit in, but just be yourself. While that may seem a trite sentiment (but I maintain an uncommon reality, especially for younger people), being yourself may not be so easy. Though we are the "land of the free and home of the brave," the proverbial "melting pot," we are not very well equipped for "different."

We like to think of ourselves as tolerant and accepting, but are we really? You think your friends are all unique, for instance, but I'll wager they are far more alike, and similar to you, than you think. Just how many 70 year old Japanese women do you hang around with anyway? No, we are generally more comfortable with the familiar, the similar. And further, we not only seek the similar, but will also, sometimes subtly, coerce others to be similar. Your parents raise you to conform to their standards, your friends shape you to adhere to their norms, the media influences you by portraying paragons of normality, businesses sell products to the fat part of normal curve in their target markets, institutions (like school, church, military, clubs, work, scouts, gangs, etc.) tell you how to behave and even think, and on it goes.

The generations coming up are even more greatly impacted by "groupthink," due at least partly, and paradoxically, to technology. Today I saw someone on a hand-held cellphone while on a bike. My kids, as early as 4 or 5 years old, were being trained to make friends and communicate with them on sites like Toontown, Webkinz, and others. Teens can't seem to go more than moments with texting. And yet, this increased socialization is shallow and sterile. It is ironic, and rather sad, I think, that one could spend so much time with others without being with them, and I am not referring to just a physical proximity.

It is interesting that as the East becomes more westernized in many ways, there is a corresponding shift in the West towards eastern attitudes regarding social processes. Fading is the notion of rugged individualism. High Noon has been replaced by Our Gang as a cultural attitude. For example, dating used to be a one-on-one process where one got to know another. Now, dating often begins in groups, where one gets to know several until another is selected and partially cut from the herd. While I do think there is some wisdom to this, it is a fundamental shift in how romantic relationships are formed. Where such groups are not accessible or satisfactory, "virtual groups" (Facebook, Myspace, etc.) may be formed, and enlisting the aid of match-making media is now an acceptable alternative.

Now with all these forces and more telling you who you should be, no wonder it is so hard to know who you really are.

The other side of the coin

The last post, UBU, considered those striving too hard to be individuals. But what about those with a strong need to "fit in?"Everybody wants to be unique, but when I look out into a class room it's typically a sea of jeans. The symbol of rebelion has become the hallmark of conformity. Whatever the peer group is, whether piercings or preppiness, religion or drugs, conformity reigns. Now I understand that there are certain tacit "rules" to which one must adhere in a culture in order to get along. That's part of the social contract, just as there are norms in the workplace (I'm pretty sure I don't enjoy wearing s suit to work, for instance), but I'm talking about an inordinate need for social acceptance. Yes, railing against peer pressure is a familiar theme, but my point is that it may not be so much about peers, but an internal insecurity driving this conformity. Granted, it is not always easy to be yourself. Advertisers, organizations, and conventions (and yes peers) are telling you who to be. Yet there is a fair amount of latitude within these norms, and you do not have to spend a few hundred dollars on a purse that has little value beyond its name, have sex at 16, or disparage others, for example, in order to find acceptance. If you need to do extraordinary things to be accepted by others, you need a new set of others, or better still, a new sense of self. So without further belaboring the obvious, this attempt to fit in is really much the same as the attempt not to fit in, the mirror reflection of the attempt to cultivate image. And once again, it will be much more genuine and gratifying (and a lot less effort) to just be you. Don't worry so much about being accepted by others, worry about accepting yourself.